Homeopathic Money: The Recipe

Why spend real money to buy fake miracle cures when you can create your own. Money, I’m talking about, not cures. You will not find this ANYWHERE else on the Intertube.  The following information was revealed in a vision of Donald Trump dressed as Mayor Snoogans McCheese. In the vision, the man who destroyed his own country, asked Americans to pay for his Homeopathic Wall along the Mexican border with Homeopathic dollars.

President Fatty McFatFat selling Homeopathic Government.

DO NOT share this information with the Government! It’s a secret!

Start with a regular, normal dollar bill. You CANNOT use coins, and the use of higher denominations may cause an overdose. Within 82 days, if you follow this recipe precisely, you will have one homeopathic dollar bill.

Ingredients:

  • One dollar bill. Canadian money can be substituted only if you need Homeopathic Health Care.
  • 257 gallons of distilled water.
  • A ball-peen hammer.
  • A gallon-sized milk container, washed ones with soap and once with melted butter.
  • One penny (pre-1968 only!) found stuck to the bottom of a old person’s shoe.
The processing process, which is highly scientific and secret! SECRET! SECRET! SECRET!

Instructions:

  1. Wash your hands in hot melted butter. Lick ONLY your fingertips!
  2. Fold the bill in half, then quarters, then sixteenths and finally sixty-fourths.
  3. Beat it regularly with the hammer for eight days.
  4. Fill the milk container with a gallon of distilled water.
  5. Drown the dollar bill in the milk container.
  6. For the next eight days, you will need to shake the milk container three times daily for 36 minutes. Do not use a machine! You must do this by hand.
  7. By now, the dollar bill will have begun to dissolve. Empty the milk container completely. Let it dry in the sun for a day.
  8. Fill the container with one gallon of water and let it sit for exactly six hours.
  9. Repeat this four times a day, for sixty-six days.

At the end of this process, the water contained in the milk container will be worth exactly, no more and no less, than one Homeopathic Dollar. Any merchant selling Homeopathic products will accept this on a Federally mandated one-to-one basis with standard currency.

WARNING: DO NOT DRINK YOUR HOMEOPATHIC MONEY! IT WILL GO STRAIGHT TO YOUR ASS.

Author: Michael W. Bay

Michael is a geek. He likes smart science-fiction, good coffee, playing the bass guitar, making up songs in the shower, cats and dogs and a nice, long Stephen King novel.